feature articles

Families with Children From China, Northern California

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Strengthening the Connection with Your New Arrival 
by Allison Branscombe 

©Allison Branscombe 2001

After our journey to get our second daughter, Julie Mei Mei, from China, I wrote the article "From Nanchang to Our Home" (Spring/Summer 1999 FCC newsletter) with considerable difficulty. I now know that I had not understood or admitted to myself or to most others what a difficult time we were having as a new family. Mei Mei came to us as a much-stressed-out one-year-old. The adjustment into our family was difficult for her, for our then four-year-old Lianne, for my husband, and for me. At the time it caused us to question our parenting and family management skills. We now know her behavior was "normal" for a child coming out of an orphanage and through adoption, grieving the loss of all that was familiar to her. We also learned that our reactions to this were "normal" and predictable, including "post-adoption blues." 

While Julie Mei Mei had plenty of moments in the first weeks and months when she was happy, playful, and engaging, if anything went wrong all her stress reactions came to the forefront. These moments of course included hungry and tired times as well as all of life's other difficulties for a toddler who cannot articulate what she is feeling and thinking. 

Her stress manifested itself in much crying, biting, hitting, hair pulling, and throwing things. Mei Mei had night terrors (when she did not wake up) and just plain bad dreams that would wake her up crying or screaming. She would have a meltdown when someone walked out of the room, leaving her feeling abandoned. Sharing or taking turns with toys was usually a screaming disaster. Disciplinary techniques for a settled, securely attached child did not work, and moreover, we discovered, were inappropriate: she would become terrified and react as though we were angry with her, rejecting her, or perhaps abandoning her. Initially, laying her down on her back to change her diaper or to put her into her crib caused hysterical crying. Comforting her in a rocking chair, trying to make eye contact, was often met with crying, pushing us away, and an arched back. These were likely not ways in which she had been held in China. From anecdotes, we now know it may have been common for caregivers to sit the kids on laps facing outward. 

We all worry about "attachment disorders," but most kids don't have them. They are just in a stress overload and unable to communicate their needs. The stress can manifest itself in many different ways, such as aggressive behavior, passive/withdrawn behavior, nervous/overstimulated behavior, gregarious and overfriendly behaviors, sudden crying, grieving behaviors (which can be good), sleep disruptions, and speech delays. What is needed is time, love, and lots of patient understanding from everyone around them to give them the emotional space to feel their grief, then slowly put down new roots and find ways to communicate in their new environment. This article is designed to reach out to parents of newly adopted toddlers and young children to provide ideas for fostering connections. Many of these ideas are also applicable to grade schoolers and teenagers. 

A valuable book that illuminated many issues regarding my daughter's behavior was Toddler Adoption: A Weaver's Craft, by Mary Hopkins-Best, which details the special developmental needs of toddlers (from about ten months through three years) from their perspective. Two other books not be missed are A Passage to the Heart: Writings from Families with Children from China, edited by Amy Klatzkin, and Launching A Baby's Adoption: Practical Strategies for Parents and Professionals, by Patricia Irwin Johnston. Both are as much about settling in after an adoption as preparing for one. 

I offer no credentials other than adoptive parent. A number of the techniques we developed through our own instincts, some came from our fantastic daycare providers, some from reading or watching others, and some from a child psychologist who helped us help Mei Mei become more secure with us. To parents of newly adopted children who are experiencing normal (and predictable) stress, anxiety, grief, or security reactions, I offer these ideas simply as suggestions that worked for us. These things need to be done consistently. Since our children are both girls, I chose "she" as a uniform reference, but all these techniques can apply to boys.

Before Arrival 
Ask your adoption agency for help in contacting your child after the referral has been made; some are reluctant to do so. Send over pictures of your family, your child's new house, and her bedroom. Send over a small lovey, doll, or stuffed animal. Send a letter in Chinese to the orphanage or the foster parents asking them to show your child the photos, share the lovey, and help prepare her to think about a new family. Include in the letter a little about your family. Some families also send over a disposable camera and ask the orphanage to take pictures of their child, her caregivers, her playmates, and her bed or crib so that she has a little photo album of her life in China. Not all orphanage directors have the time to accommodate these needs, so don't be disappointed if it does not happen. My view is that there is virtually no downside to asking.

The First Weeks 
When your child comes to her new home, she will be on overload. Beginning with the time change, the new food, new smells, new bed, new language, new clothes, all the new faces looking at her, talking and touching her-nothing will be familiar. Even though you want to share your joy, draw a line of privacy around your new family and give yourself time to get to know each other and adjust. 

Try to minimize the exposure to lots of strangers, especially adults. If adults want to hold her, explain that you need to reinforce her connection to you, and you don't want to confuse or scare her; you don't want her to think another adult will suddenly carry her away again. (Limiting is not as necessary for adults that she will be around constantly, such as a grandparent.) Wait for at least a month to hop on another plane and fly around the country to visit family and friends. Let people make the trip to see you. 

When we are frustrated, angry, overstimulated, and exhausted from a hard day's work, do we want to socialize with strangers, sit in airports waiting for planes, and listen to loud music? Of course not. Quiet rooms, quiet play, quiet music, walks in a baby pack or a stroller will help your child relax. Don't overwhelm your child right away with gifts from you or others. Too many choices can be overstimulating and frustrating to kids coming out of an orphanage environment. Let her focus on a small number of toys. If she came from an orphanage or foster home with several children, the company of one or two other children her age may provide some comfort. Some parents have had success with using an article of clothing she wore in China as a comfort object, for familiar touch and smell. (When you bring it home, wash it gently without using softeners or other products that mask the smell.) It may be hard to draw a quiet line around your child so you can get to know each other without the competition and scary elements introduced by strangers, but it will help her settle in more quickly if you can. 

The remainder of suggestions in this article are for developing and maintaining positive connections over the early months and years of your new family. 

Tactile Stimulation 
Introduce your child to gentle touch. As she permits, hold, cuddle, stroke, and massage her gently while talking to her softly. It may scare her, as kids in orphanages typically only get touched for routine feeding, changing clothes, etc., not for affectionate caressing and bonding. Hold your child for skin to skin contact; take baths or showers together. Stroke your child's hair, forehead, and eyebrows gently while she is going to sleep. Massage your child using lotion, especially a slow, firm massage on the bottom of her feet (not tickling). The lotion also helped our daughter's chronically dry skin. 

Carry your child in a front-loading Snuggli-type carrier for as long as your back can handle it, or use a backpack carrier. Hold her tight and dance to soothing music while you hum along. Let her put her feet on yours while you dance, and maintain eye contact if she will allow it. Lie down on the carpet with her, eye to eye, and play finger walking games or hide an object under a cup (it's there even when you can't see it). 

Build even more connections by inviting your child to give you massages, and let her know that it makes you feel really good. Both my kids love to rub my back before or after I rub theirs. Mei Mei loves to wash my face and arms and legs with a warm washcloth after I have done that to her. Let your child enjoy giving as well as receiving pleasant interactions such as this.

Communication 
Talk, talk, and talk with your child, even though you know she cannot understand your words; comprehension will come in time. Begin to give her choices right away, even though she may not understand at first. Combine the talk with other body language that gives her clues. Extend your arms and ask your child if it is OK to pick her up. Bend down and explain to your child that it is time to change her diaper, take a bath, clean up the toys, or whatever. Use a calm tone, eye contact, and no baby talk. She needs practice hearing your words and making sense of what you are telling her. All the language patterning she absorbed in China must be discarded and recoded. How would you like suddenly living in a strange world where no one can understand you, and you cannot understand them? 

The sooner she feels like she can participate in the communication and control some of the outcomes, the quicker the connection. Some childcare books recommend teaching a few sign language gestures to preverbal children to help them participate in the choices-simple signs for "more," "enough," "sleepy," "please," "thank you," "come," head shaking for "no" and "yes." Our daycare did this with Julie Mei Mei and other kids, beginning as young as three or four months old. Also, giving kids two choices for cereal, different color shirts to wear, or books to read, then waiting for the nod of a head, and then saying, "Thank you for letting me know what you want," all foster connections. They also help reduce kids' stress, because making even simple choices empowers the child to help control her life. For young children who have had adults make sudden, traumatizing, life-changing choices for them, this small gesture lets the child know you respect and value her choices, and she can be in charge of at least some parts of her life.

Find alternative ways of saying no. Explain what she is doing wrong and what she can do to fix it: "I can hear your quiet voice better than your yelling voice." "Your bottom needs to sit in the chair." "Please use a gentle touch." "It is not OK to hit your sister. Please move away until you can play without hitting, biting, yelling, etc." Kids are very literal. Be specific about the behavior you want to encourage, rather than just saying no; similarly, telling a toddler you want her to play cooperatively or nicely is likely to be meaningless. Squat or kneel so you are at eye level when talking, especially when she is crying, angry, or frustrated.

Praise good behavior with positive comments: Hen hao ("very good")! "Good job!" "High-five!" "You really used your words well." "Thank you for saying please." "I like your sweet hugs." "You are stroking the cat in a gentle way." "You did a good job remembering that." "What you did was kind and thoughtful." Building self-esteem builds connections too. Don't personalize "bad" or "good" behavior. Instead of saying, "You are a bad girl for coloring on the couch," say, "It is not OK to color on the couch because the color will not come out." Instead of "You're a good girl for listening to my words," try "Thank you for listening to my words" or "It's good to listen to other people's words so well."

When tempers flare and communication is breaking down, try to avoid losing your temper. Use time-outs, physically moving her away from what's causing trouble; distract, divert, and prevent flare-ups. ("I can see you and Sam are getting really frustrated. Let's go do another activity.") Try silly humor. Remember you are the adult and in control; she is just a child and has few tools for constructively manipulating the behaviors of others. All kids, but especially recently adopted kids, are so sensitive to things that sound like rejection to them, even if you do not intend it that way. Work as hard as you can not to yell at your child or spank or hit her. Doing so communicates that (1) yelling or hitting is OK for adults to do; (2) you do not respect her personal space and body; (3) it's OK for adults to make choices that make the child a victim, as the child might view the circumstances of her adoption. 

My purpose is not to make anyone feel guilty. Who hasn't tripped into these minefields? Parenting is a very hard job! The problem is that our trip-ups slow down the process of building connection by creating conflict between the need to fear and the need to trust. When we lose it, we do not model or communicate constructive ways of dealing with hard emotions and inappropriate behavior. Kids have few other ways to learn to deal with the tough facts of their lives if this modeling does not come from us. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk and Parent Talk: Words That Empower, Words that Wound; How to Talk with Your Children in Language That Builds Self-Esteem and Encourages Responsibility are two excellent resources. 

On a different note, if you don't speak you child's language, make the effort to learn some simple phrases and key words so that you can communicate. For the older child, have books, bilingual picture dictionaries, phrase books, and other resources available so she can point to a word or a picture and together you can figure things out. You will not know if your child will pick up English easily, but you need to take the initiative to help her make the transition. Also, try to incorporate your young child's Chinese name into her permanent name. This is already a part of her identity, and many parents believe the name helps the child develop continuity between her old life and new life. When you are in China, ask her caregiver if she had a nickname rather than her passport name, and continue using that. If this does not work for you, pick a name that sounds Chinese or is in the tradition of Chinese names (Grace, Joy, Jade, Jasmine) so that her first or middle name reflects her Chinese heritage.

Feelings 
Practice and use reflective listening skills to show you respect your child's feelings, even when she is preverbal: "I can see you do not like it when Emma grabbed your toy away. Emma, Julie's crying is telling you that she does not like it when you take her toy away." Model speaking about your feelings, and show her how you resolve them: "I need a hug to feel better." "I am mad at Papa, so I need to talk this over with him." "I need to sit by myself so I can calm down." Give her permission (empower her) to tell you or others she is angry: "It's OK to tell Lianne you are angry that she grabbed your toy away." "My guess is that you might be feeling sad that Josie does not want to play with you right now." Acknowledge her feelings and talk routinely about your feelings. This kind of talk tells her that feelings are a normal part of life that provide us with important information on how to better know, help, and love each other. 

Be really clear, over and over, that if she is mad at you, her anger will not make you go away. If she does things that you do not want her to do, you will love her anyway. This tells her that her behavior will not threaten you or make you go away, because you are the forever mommy or daddy. No matter what, no amount of angry or sad or grieving feelings will make you go away. If she will let you, hug and hold her; give her empathy and the time to let the anger subside while you hold her, and later find an opportunity to discuss the feelings that were on her mind. 

Anger management can be a really big issue for adopted kids. They may have huge amounts of fear mixed up with anger that come from a preverbal place. Anger of any kind is really scary to little kids who do not know how to process their feelings. They may worry that something they did (like cry too much) made their birth or foster parents go away. This worry may make them afraid to share their feelings with you because you might walk out on them. It has clearly been an issue for us to work on. A good thing happened recently when Julie Mei Mei told me, "It makes me angry when you yell at me. Don't do that." She trusted that I would not leave her even though she was angry with me, and that made me feel good! 

Give your child the emotional space to be angry, mad, frustrated, etc., without getting a negative and threatening response from you. Give her permission to speak her mind: "It's OK to say to me, 'I don't like that, Mommy.' "I see you are angry. How can I help you deal with this?" "I see you want to hit something. Please move away from your sister. If you want to hit something, here is a pillow. Or, if you like, we can go for a walk together." If the situation is moving fast and does not lend itself to rational talking, gently pick up your child, move her to a place where it is safe to express her emotions, and say, "It is not OK to hit our friends/sister/parents." As soon as she calms down, explain to her other ways to get what she wants without hitting, such as taking turns with a toy. 

Make sure she knows that time-outs are not punishment for angry behavior, but rather time for her to calm herself down, reflect, and get in control of her feelings. She needs to learn not to fear scary feelings or being out of control because of them. Model time-outs for your child: "Mommy needs a time-out because she is angry/sad/frustrated. Please read a book or play with toys while Mommy takes a few minutes to feel better/think about a better way to talk with you." When you want to yell or spank, work hard to find ways to redirect yourself or both you and your child. Sometimes I need to count to ten for me, and I remind myself that I am the adult and she is the child. Time-outs are for you too-and they will make you a better parent! 

Speaking of siblings, try to facilitate interaction between them, even if they don't want it, rather than letting them run to you to solve their problems. Tell them to work it out; give them ideas: "If you want her doll, find something else she might want and offer it to her." Say to the child that just got hit, "What do you need from your sister to feel better?" (Maybe an apology is not wanted, but a hug is.) This was one of the issues that took a long time to work through when Mei Mei first joined our family.

Transitions 
Transitions for infants, toddlers, and some preschoolers can be difficult under the best of circumstances. Waking up, going to school, finishing a meal, taking a nap, ending visits with friends, meeting new people, going shopping, going to bed-all can be stressful and bring up fears. This is sometimes hard for new parents to understand and cope with, especially for busy, goal-oriented people who are used to acting immediately on what they have decided to do. Sometimes we just have to slow down and explain way in advance to our child what will be happening to her in order to prepare her. Doing so shows respect for the child's needs and may avoid bringing up unpredictable fears of an unwelcome change (or another new set of parents). Some of the ideas for bedtime below are also good for separations at other times, such as leaving a child with a babysitter or at daycare. 

Tell your child what you plan to do for the day and what she will be doing. Tell her, "We will be leaving in 15 minutes," then 10 minutes, then 2 minutes, to help her prepare for her transition. Using a kitchen timer may help older toddlers see how much time is left. Sometimes it is necessary to plan time to just sit with your child for 10 to 15 minutes when you arrive at daycare or preschool to let the child get into the mood and scope out what will be expected. Trying to rush any child, particularly a recently adopted child, through a meal may create a stressful power struggle, especially when you are used to eating a sandwich and a drink on the run. Throwing a coat and shoes on a toddler and rushing to the grocery store to grab dinner may result in a fussy or screaming child in the checkout line. Allow time to relax before naptimes and bedtimes, such as with a massage or reading a book. As always, watch and listen for clues to how your child is accommodating to your needs, and adjust your behavior whenever possible. 

Put pictures of your new child with you and her new siblings in her new room. Put more photos at her eye level in magnetic photo holders on the refrigerator. They do wonders to reinforce her new identity and help her see herself in her new family. Mei Mei still plays for long stretches with these photos, rearranging them on the fridge, talking to herself and others about the events memorialized in the pictures, and making up new stories. 

Food and Toilet Learning 
When we met Mei Mei as a 15-pound one-year-old, she could not stop eating. A few times her little belly seemed like it would burst, and we had to stop her. She would cry and clutch at her plate as if we were taking her dearest friend away. All we could do was try to reassure her that there would be food whenever she was hungry. Eventually she developed normal eating patterns and now is a picky eater. Many qualified people have written volumes on this subject. Suffice it to say, kids' adoption issues are intensely felt. One of the few things they can control is what they eat and how to use the toilet. My experience is, the less you make them an issue, the better (even if you have to throw good food away). 

Reassuring Behavior 
Tell her you will watch over her and think about her during her sleep. Read to her at bedtime. Develop a bedtime routine saying good-night to her toys and animals. Give a back or body massage before naps, bedtime, or when stressed out. Repeat the story of how you became a family. If she is verbal enough, encourage her to tell you the story. Use the Beijing Angelic Choir's lullaby tape at night before bed-it's mesmerizing! (You can order it from Asia for Kids or Celebrate the Child.) Make a routine of snuggling in bed in the mornings to soften the awakening; play peek-a-boo in bed under the covers. When going for walks in a stroller, position the stroller so she faces you (most large strollers have this reversible feature). Make up simple songs with her name in it. To "Frère Jacques": "I love Mei Mei, I love Mei Mei. Yes I do, yes I do. I love her in the morning, I love her in the evening. Yes I do, yes I do." Sing it in rounds, alternating different family members' names. Sing spontaneously and often, in the car or anywhere. Make up a lullaby with her name in it and Wo ai ni (Mandarin for "I love you"). 

Make one-on-one time for each child each day, even if it is only 10 minutes. This is one of the most important and absolutely hardest things for us to do, being two full-time working parents with volunteer activities. The time can be spent just talking, reading, or playing interactive or trust-building games. Give choices for activities that are involving, stimulating, and require lots of eye contact. Watching TV or videos together doesn't count! Articulate choices beforehand and, where appropriate or possible, take photos and model or reinforce your positive memories afterward: "I love to think about the time that you and I played dress-up." If your child is open to it, return frequently to your photos of her and her place in the family, including her adoption journey, to reinforce her place in her forever family.

Trust-Building Exercises 
Have your child jump into your arms from the bed or the side of a pool. Teach your child how to float on her back in a pool; blow a feather back and forth across a table; play peek-a-boo and hide-and-seek (it is very reassuring to be welcomed and found over and over again). Engage in dramatic play for toddlers and preschoolers. Let her dress up and be a baby or pretend to be the mommy or daddy, even the birth mommy or daddy. Fantasy play is a wonderful way for kids to work out their fears and issues. Play with puppets, and let her direct the story. If the child is old enough, play add-on-story, where you take turns adding to the story line, using imagination to set your path. Do not be critical or make value judgments about her selection of stories or her role-playing. By the way, most of these ideas work equally well for older children, even teenagers. The point is to engage at their level, in their space, and keep communication open. 

Conclusion 
Becoming a family is not just a longed-for event; it is a process that takes time. Bringing a toddler or young child into an existing family is hard work, whether in a single-parent family or a house full of people. Stress is to be expected and normal for the child who was adopted, as well as for the parents and existing siblings. Plan for it, and get support. If you haven't already, join a group of adoptive families. Share your issues on one of the several internet groups for adoptive parents (for China, Korea, Vietnam, older kids, special needs kids, etc., via Onelist.com) to get suggestions and support from others who have gone through the same problems. 

You also need to trust your instincts. If you feel your child is still struggling, or you are struggling as a family, seek professional help. If some of the activities mentioned above cause responses from your child that concern you, consult people who have experience with adoption, grief, separation, and loss, such as your social worker or a child or developmental psychologist. Get recommendations from others before you select someone to help you. 

Many people will say they felt instant love for their new arrival, and I do not doubt that. However, the reality is that it is usually we, the adults, who longed for the new family, not the child. While intellectually we know that our child needed a forever family, it will take years before the child can understand the choices made for her by adults. The child will have to work through a myriad conflicting and complex feelings, often preverbal, associated with separating from one family, perhaps having a long relationship with caregivers in an orphanage or a foster family, and then suddenly being taken away and joining yet another family. Adults know that it takes time to forge a lasting relationship. New parents of toddlers and young children need to know it is not realistic to expect that everybody will settle in after a month or two. As any friendship or long-term relationship progresses in stages, different people reveal themselves in different ways at different rates. Any kind of love relationship has to be built on positive connections, trust, and the freedom to express feelings. Little kids and toddlers do not come with the ability to articulate their feelings, even if they know the language. Older children may resist sharing their feelings, worrying about more rejection. Expect that it may take as long as six months to a year, and perhaps even longer, for your new child to trust you. Perhaps this article will have started to prepare you with suggestions for building those connections. 

Allison Branscombe and her husband Bob Remen have two children. The family just celebrated their second Happy Adoption Day with Julie Mei Mei, now 3. Lianne is almost 6. After a long transition, Mei Mei is now well connected with the family. The sisters have a loving, caring relationship that periodically erupts in sibling rivalry: the normal "can't live with them, can't live without them" of sisters everywhere.